This is my absolute most favorite time of year. Not because of the sunny weather, longer days or creative cocktails. Not because of the occasional fireworks, over-abundance of barbeques or flouncy floral dresses. This is truly the greatest time of year for one reason and one reason only – the BEST reality show on television is back on the air. That’s right…(drumroll please)…
90 Day Fiancé is BACK!
And as in season’s past…it’s a complete sh*t show. The most beautiful, glorious, dysfunctional, tragic sh*t show imaginable. Thank you, TLC. My Sunday nights are now whole again. 🙂 (BRAVO, take note.)
I can only equate watching this show to being given a great big bear hug while also being kneed in the crotch. It burns my eyes, turns my stomach and yet, warms my heart. How does it warm my heart, you may ask? Because it reminds that I have not quite reached the level of desperation the featured couples are at, which has clearly surpassed train-wreck-status and is heading towards full-on derailment.
This year, the 90 Day Fiancé franchise, which follows American and international couples going through the K-1 (Fiancé) Visa process, kicked off with its spinoff, Happily Ever After? This show follows couples who have already gone through the 90 day process and are married, and reveals what really happens after the wedding.
Spoiler Alert! I can actually tell you what happens in one word: DIVORCE.
Most couples realize their differences, (which can be anything from cultural to beyond ridiculous), are too hard to overcome, and decide to dissolve the marriage, usually not realizing that if the spouse brought into the United States decides to sticks around, the other spouse is responsible for that person, financially, for 10 years. (Note to Self: Read ALL corresponding legal paperwork when marrying an illegal alien. And then…don’t do it.)
While Happily Ever After? certainly had its moments, I’m going to skip ahead to the franchises’ second spinoff, which is currently running – 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days. To describe this show, I’m going to steal a quote from the former that was said by the mother of one-half of the series ill-fated couples:
Things are about to get a little bit more stupider.
Yup. That sums it up perfectly. STUPIDER IS IN THE HOUSE!
This BEYOND BRILLIANT show follows love-struck couples before they enter the K-1 Visa process. In fact, it actually shows the featured couples first meetings and, in some cases, their last.
Let’s meet this season’s couples, shall we?
First up is Rachel, 33, and Jon, 34. Rachel is a single mom from New Mexico and Jon is a serial 
killer from England. (Okay, he’s not really a serial killer, but…I’m just throwing it out there.) The two first hit it off after performing a virtual duet together on a karaoke app. Although it was love at first sight, shortly after their romance began, Rachel learned she was pregnant…by another man. Since that man was in and out of the picture faster than you can say, “One Night Stand”, Jon, who has never met Rachel in person and has no experience with children, decided to commit to her.
Eight months after giving birth, Rachel travels to England to meet her self-proclaimed Baby Daddy and is ready to get married, even though she does have some small concerns, for instance, Jon’s criminal past. Yet, despite these concerns, Rachel’s love runs deep, so deep, she sends him her umbilical cord in the shape of a heart for Valentine’s Day. (WTF!!!!) Not sure what kind of Hallmark card you send along with that. And, now I’m also not sure which one is the serial killer.
Shortly after arriving, Rachel realizes Jon is her soulmate and the true father of her bastard child, just as we are realizing that Jon is an alcoholic, man-whore with violent tendencies and hesitations of his own, such as being a dad or tied down to one woman. Oh, and he still lives with his mother. And is probably a serial killer.
Next up is Angela, 52 and Michael, 30. Angela is a grandmother of six from Georgia and Michael lives in Nigeria with dreams of someday coming to America and living like his idol, Donald Trump. Despite their more than 20-year age difference, Angela finally makes her way to Nigeria, which wasn’t easy since apparently, as she discovered the day before leaving, you need a passport to travel to Africa. Anywho, when she does finally arrive, not only does she stick out like a sore thumb, but she also practically mauls Michael outside the airport, just as it is slowly starting to sink in with Michael that not only is Angela older than he is, and possibly his mother, but she is also batshit crazy.
While Angela comes across as fun and full of energy, personally, I wouldn’t mess with her. This woman could take me down, as she did Michael, on the bed in their hotel room. (Something I will never be able to un-see.) While Angela is head over heels for her chocolate Donald, Michael seems less impressed, as he refers to her as loud, manly, old and, as he tells a merchant at the market, right in front of Angela, fat. At this point, viewers realize that Michael probably doesn’t have much longer to live, as Angela will more than likely smother him to death, or eat him alive. And I’ve got to be honest…I’m not sure if I mean that in the figurative sense or literally. Could go both ways. Either way, Michael is a goner.
Tarik, 43, hails from Virginia and met Hazel, 25, on a website called Filipino Cupid. Tarik is mad 
about Hazel, as she looks like the “Asian Angelina Jolie” and she is…uh…well, that’s probably enough, right? We come to find out that Hazel just wants to come to America and be given a better life. It doesn’t appear that she is overly concerned as to who the person she marries is, she just wants to “win” a ticket to the states, and possibly get her son back who was taken away from her for a reason that is never mentioned.
Tarik leaves his own daughter home and travels to the Philippines to meet Hazel, with the intention to propose. Five connecting flights and two days later, he arrives to meet his beloved, who is cold, distant, speaks in monotone and doesn’t want him to touch her. Can you feel the love, my friends!?!? Although Hazel appears repulsed by Tarik and builds a fort between them in their hotel bed, she immediately brings Tarik to meet her parents, who then take him to church, which lasts for six hours and features a congregation of people wailing, speaking in tongues and writhing around on the floor. This terrifies Tarik. (And me as well.) However, Hazel, who I’m pretty sure is a robot, does look like an Asian Angelina Jolie, so he’s going to stick around and see where the relationship goes. I’m sure this will end well. Can I get an Amen?
After going through two divorces, Ricky, 33, from Ohio, went looking for love on a Latin dating site and found his perfect match in Melissa, 28, who is from Colombia. Despite rarely communicating with her, Ricky has decided she is “the one” and has begun supporting her financially, even though they have never spoken in person and she rarely returns his texts. Unfortunately, our sweet lovesick Ricky, who is father of two and clearly misguided, then books a trip to Columbia, abandoning his kids to meet and, of course, propose to the woman of his dreams. Once he arrives, he schedules a dinner with Melissa, who continues to ignore his texts and makes him (and the TLC production team) believe he is being catfished. She eventually does shows up, two and a half hours late, and makes everyone question a new theory, whether she is under-aged OR an escort. My money is on both.
I really don’t want to continue describing this doomed love story, as throughout his visit, Ricky continues to try to woo Melissa as she continues to snub him and make everyone wonder what the hell this teenage hooker is up to. I have to admit, I get a little choked up with every selfie Ricky takes of himself, (and his fanny pack), alone, on the streets of Columbia. And as he texts the pics to Melissa, while binging on multiple baguettes, we then have to watch him wait for a response…that never comes. Sounds a lot like my high school days…minus the fanny pack.
Two couples have actually returned to the series after making their debut last season.
Darcey from Connecticut, who is 42 going on 15, met Jesse, 24, from Amsterdam, on a global dating 
app. They are a match made in heaven, as Darcey is insecure, immature and extremely dramatic and Jesse is stoic, controlling, and verbally abusive. Who would have thought these two crazy kids would still be together? I mean, seriously, who thought this?
In season 2, Jesse has traveled to the United States to see Darcey and meet her children, who she wants to immediately accept him as their new stepdad. However, Darcey is bothered by Jesse’s hesitation to take on the role of insta-daddy. And Jesse seems bothered by Darcey’s mere existence. So, their relationship was a sh*t show last season and continues to be one this season. Nuff said.
Finally, we have Paul, 34, from Kentucky and Karine, 21, from Brazil – the stuff reality TV show couples are made of. These two lovebirds met online via a dating app that focuses on Latinas. Though neither speak each other’s language, Paul travels to the Amazon to meet his beloved, with five cargo bins and a penis cover in tow. (Don’t ask.) The two then spend their time together communicating through translated text messages. Some of the things they talk about are Paul’s criminal past and his desire for Karine to take a pregnancy and STD test because he doesn’t trust women. After she passes the tests, Paul fesses up to her about his felonies, which include an arson charge and stalking an ex-girlfriend. Embarrassed by his past, Paul then runs away, abandoning Karine in the jungle, where she is promptly mugged by a man with a machete. And then, of course, they get engaged. Seems like the reasonable next step.
This season, Paul returns to the Amazon with more pregnancy and STD tests for Karine to take, as well as his translator app, because over the past six months, neither have made any attempt to learn each other’s language. Paul is there to help plan the wedding, but first must make sure Karine has been faithful to him, because he still doesn’t trust her. Once again, she passes all tests with flying colors and then tells Paul she wants to have a baby with him so he will remain tied to her if he goes back to the US without her, and also so they’ll stop fighting. Seems like a good idea to me. I actually think Paul should procreate with Karine, as this will more than likely be his only chance of having a child that will not also turn out to be his cousin.
Who’s feeling the love?!?!
Readers Note: If you only have time to watch one train wreck per week and are having trouble choosing between 90 Day Fiancé and Bachelor in Paradise, don’t waste your precious time with the latter. I used to love Paradise, but, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, this show has gone downhill. I’ve noticed that even the skanky fame whores who appear on it can’t quite figure out why they are there or what the hell the show is about. There’s just not enough substance, and I’m talking the kind not in a liquid or powder form.
On the other hand, 90 Day Fiancé really does makes one think. For example, this show makes me ponder dating in my own life. I find myself wondering at what point do I give up completely and start posting my profile to www.FilipinoLatinoKarokeCupid.com/pathetic?
You may recall, about a month ago I was heading off to my family reunion in New York and was a bit worried that no one would ask me about my personal life. Well, my fears were realized because not one person asked about me or my relationship status.
Interestingly enough, my 28-year-old cousin, who is also not married and without kids, was asked, several times, if he had a girlfriend.
So, what does this mean? Two things come to mind:
- Either no one in my family reads my blog OR they have all just given up on me. (I suspect both.)
- And, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – the Fairy Tale, (as well as everything else you’re supposed to achieve in life to be worthy), EXPIRES AT FORTY!
In my cousin’s defense, once he responded that he did not have a girlfriend, people did walk away from him in disgust, which shows that singlehood is still an equal opportunity struggle.
I’ve recently been working on fictionalizing Forty Tales. I let a friend read what I have written so far, and she asked about my protagonist, (who is basically me), “Does she get the guy in the end?”
This question stopped me in my tracks. I don’t know if she’ll get the guy in the end because, I no longer believe that I will get the guy in the end.
And that’s when I had my epiphany…
Screw my family! I’m the one who has given up on myself!
Part of me feels the empowerment of Forty Tales is being able to rescue myself, without needing a man. I should be preaching this to forty-somethings everywhere from the rooftops!
Yet, just because I don’t need a man, does that mean I can’t want a man? And since I’m over forty, does that mean I can’t get a man? I’m so confused.
Am I still being authentic to my blog for having the desire to be in a relationship, to want someone to love and take care of me? Happy endings aren’t so far-fetched, are they?
But maybe they are. Maybe there is something to be said about meeting somewhere in the middle, which is exactly where I appear to be.
However, it also appears that I have written an ending to a story that has yet to be determined. I
guess it is time to change my tagline to she lived hopelessly ever after.
But, I’m not hopeless…completely. And I’m not desperate enough to marry a stranger from a foreign land who may very well kill me in my sleep and use my skin as a blanket.
So…where am I? Perhaps somewhere in between.
I haven’t expired, but I am tired. Good God am I tired.
While I love watching other people’s sh*t shows, I’m too old to star in my own.
Yet, at the very same time, and even though I feel guilty thinking this way, I still want to be a part of a couple…perhaps without the heart-shaped umbilical cord, fanny pack selfies and criminal history.
Age not withstanding, I do want to be in love. Crazy, stupid love. The kind of love that makes me feel excited and nauseous and happy and nervous. I want to feel like I’m being embraced and kicked in the crotch…all the damn time! Yes, I admit it! I want things to get a bit more stupider. Just a bit…
So, what does this mean? Two things come to mind:
- Maybe it’s time I start working on an alternative ending to my story and…
- Maybe I haven’t lost hope.
And with that, she returned to living hopefully ever after.
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