Only Human

Last week, the world lost a fashion icon, and I am truly heartbroken over it.

Designer Kate Spade died on Tuesday, June 5, 2018 of suicide.  She was only 55 years old.

I know it may sound silly that I am mourning the death of someone I’ve never met, but even so, this woman had a remarkable influence on my life.  And for that, I am feeling tremendous loss and immense sadness.

Yet, I am also feeling extremely grateful to have been introduced to the Kate Spade brand, a label so original, it exudes its own personality.  It is a brand I have always worn, and will continue to wear, proudly and with great honor.

I know material things are not supposed to bring about ultimate happiness.  But, I can honestly say that with each Kate Spade purchase I have made, and with each Kate Spade gift I have received, it has brought pure joy into my life.  There is something magical about Kate Spade, and it all starts and ends with the woman herself.

And that is how she became my fashion, creative and inspirational icon.

I was at work upon hearing of her death, and as the news sunk in, I looked around my office and noticed I was completely surrounded by Kate Spade.  My reading glasses, organizer, purse, wallet, and cell phone cover all bared her name.  The list extended even more when I got home to clothing, coats, hats, gloves, clutches, champagne glasses, jewelry, shoes…I even have a Kate Spade Barbie Doll!

I remember my first Kate Spade purchase.  I had walked into one of her retail stores about five years ago.  The store had been at the mall I work at for quite some time, but for some reason, I never went inside to explore.   Once I did, I realized that behind the swinging glass door was an actual Disneyland for women!  The store oozed beauty, sophistication and elegance, while also radiating whimsy and humor, with the underlying message to Live Colorfully.

Kate Spade is the only store I can walk into and want to buy at least one of everything.  My first purchase was this gorgeous floral clutch – the most beautiful purse I had ever seen at the time.  The purses’ delicate and detailed flower design looked so real and vibrant, you could almost smell the rich fragrance of the roses.  I had never bought such an expensive accessory before, but I knew I would use it forever – it’s just one of those timeless pieces that will always be in my closet and have the ability to dress up any outfit, or brighten any day.

Most of all, every time I look at that lovely clutch, I smile.

But it’s not just about “things”.  Just as I carry around my favorite Kate Spade purse on the outside, I also carry the attitude Kate Spade conveys on the inside.
I can’t say I knew much about Kate Spade, the real Kate Spade, until after she died.  I knew she was a beautiful and creative person who was a wife and mother, with tremendous success and what appeared to be the “perfect” life.

But, unfortunately, the sad reality is…

Nothing is perfect.

Like everyone else, Kate Spade had demons, and apparently, her demons got the best of her.

There has been so much speculation in the days after her death as to why she killed herself.  Everything from marital problems to financial woes to mental illness have been named a factor.  There has also been a lot of judgement regarding her suicide, and quite frankly, it has made me feel disgustingly ill and, at the same time, very protective of her…a woman I have never met.

It is no one’s business or place to judge, so please: Shut the F**k up!

The huge “aha moment” that came to me after Kate Spade’s death was that, despite her success, fame and fortune, she was probably more like me than I could have ever imagined.  And I feel truly awful that someone who brought me, and many others, so much happiness, was in so much pain herself.  A woman whose style encouraged everyone to live colorfully was actually living in darkness, and this is a place I, and many others, know quite well.

We will never know exactly why Kate did what she did, but I think the bottom line is that she lost hope, and once you enter that hopeless state, it’s hard to find your way out.

I’ve been there before.  There have been times when I’ve been helpless against my anxiety and depression, which caused me to question my overall existence.  I’ve asked the question – would anyone really care if I were gone?  I felt like the world would be a better place if I took myself out of the equation.

However, although I felt doomed, there was still an underlying feeling of hope that carried me through.  It was buried deep, deep, deep down – barely detectable – but thankfully, it was there.  I never lost hope completely.  There was a tiny sense that eventually pulled me back into the light, and for that, I am forever grateful.  That hope encouraged me to hang on and promised better days were ahead.  And because of that hope, I now live life in anticipation of what is coming next.  Luckily, my desire to not miss out on anything is stronger than my need to give up.

Unfortunately, some are not as lucky.

Many people do not understand the severity of mental illness.  Some do not take depression and anxiety seriously, and have the simple thought process of “this too shall pass”.

I wish it was that easy.

Battling depression and anxiety is just that – it’s a battle.  And you are literally fighting for your life, against yourself.  There are many, many reasons for this type of anguish, and none of them should be discounted or discredited.  Trust me, the struggle is real, and many of us are just hanging on each day for dear life.

So please, try to have some compassion.

One of the reasons contemplated for Kate Spade’s death was that because of her public image, (which was directly correlated to her brand – a brand she sold over ten years ago), she didn’t want anyone to know the truth about the woman behind the label.  And the truth was that she was human.  She was struggling, but she may not have wanted anyone to see anything other than that “picture perfect” colorful image she had created.  After all, this was more than likely what she thought was expected from her.

I can relate to this.  Generally, I believe I portray a funny, genuine, happy woman to those on the outside, and for the most part, I’d like to believe that this is who I also am on the inside as well.

However, there have been times where I have shown emotion and vulnerability, and it has actually been held against me.  People have gotten angry and with me for being less than perfect, or human, making snide comments that have stuck with me through thick and thin…and I’m not just talking about my struggles with weight. 😉

This is so unfair.  No one can be, (or should be), expected to be “perfect” 24/7.  And yes, in my case, I do realize that I am also putting this burden on myself.  I’m sure this is the case for many others too. Yet, this unrealistic pressure does exist, and I don’t think it’s entirely self-inflicted.

People don’t want to believe their heroes are less than perfect.

Why do people get so uncomfortable with feelings outside the realm of “fine”?  Is it because they don’t know how to handle it, or because they don’t want to deal with it?

I have been feeling a little down lately, and I’ve been trying my darndest to keep it to myself.  I don’t want anyone to worry about me, or even worse, judge me.  I don’t want anyone to think I’m going to do something crazy or, that I am crazy for that matter.

I’m trying to hide the ugly truth: I am human. (Say what?!?!)

A few days after Kate Spade died, it was reported that celebrity chef and television personality, Anthony Bourdain, committed suicide as well.  This makes me beg the question, what the hell is going on???  If nothing else, it should be a gigantic wake up call to check in with those you love…constantly.

In addition to paying more attention to others, I need to learn how to ask for help – something I’ve always had trouble with.  I feel like everyone around me is always so busy, I don’t want to bother them.  I don’t want to say, “hey, I’m struggling right now.”  I know they have a lot on their plates and I don’t want to be a burden.

But, I also feel this “busyness” is a total cop out – on both sides.  No one should ever be too busy to check in on a loved one.  Sometimes we need to look beyond ourselves and make sure that those we care about are doing okay.  We get so caught up in our everyday lives and our own circumstances that we sometimes can miss the pain of others.  This is where that compassion needs to come in – that empathy towards those who mean the most.  No one knows what is happening behind closed doors, and no one knows what is truly being hidden within.  That is why we need to follow the below mantra:

Don’t ever judge and always be kind.

I’m sure anyone would want this sort of respect if the shoe was on the other foot…even if that shoe was half of a fabulous, sparkly pair of Kate Spade shoes!

I’m making it my mission to check in with my family and friends to make sure they know I am here for them and that I do care.  This is something I encourage others to do as well.   Let’s make this a universal movement of consideration and kindness, something the world needs more of with each passing day.

One of my co-workers said that she feels the Kate Spade brand is now tainted because it’s namesake committed suicide.  Although this is her opinion, I wholeheartedly disagree with her sentiment.  Kate Spade created a legacy – and her beauty, class and humor will live on through her creation for generations to come.

How many of us can say the same?

Rest in peace, Kate Spade.  I hope you have now found the peace and tranquility you were looking here on earth.

And thank you for being my creative and fashion icon, and a true inspiration.  Even though we never met, your story has impacted me deeply, and I will continue to see the beauty in your life, and carry your spirit in my heart…which I’m sure is made up glitter and gives my soul a little extra sparkle.

And she lived colorfully and hopefully ever after.