Boy does time fly.  I can’t believe another year is upon us.  I was ready.  But then again…I wasn’t ready.

I know we’re only a few weeks into 2018, but it’s been a bit of an uneasy start.  Normally, I can hardly wait for the clock to strike midnight on January 1st.  But this year, I just felt…blah.   I wasn’t as excited for the new year as I usually am.  Yet again, I wasn’t unexcited either.

I was just…blah.

My usual feelings of hope and encouragement were strangely missing, and instead, I was left to feel a bit down, and a tad nervous.

Nervous???

You see, it’s an even year and for me, my track record during even-numbered years is not great.  Case in point, 2016 was one of the worst years of my life – I’m still talking about it in therapy.  Yet, I can honestly state that 2017 was not a bad year.  In my standards, it was actually pretty good.  So what does that mean for 2018?  Is it possible to have two pretty good years in a row?

All signs point to doubtful.

One good thing about an even year?  My favorite baseball team, the San Francisco Giants, have a chance at the championship.  They always seem to play better during the even years, miraculously winning the World Series in 2010, 2012 and 2014.  While I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a prosperous 2018 for my Boys of Summer, ironically, I find myself in somewhat of a slump, wondering if this is the decline of, well…me.

In baseball, a slump is a period when a player is not performing up to certain expectations – this accounted for the entire Giant’s roster in 2017.  There are various theories behind the cause of a slump.  Some attribute it to bad luck, while others believe it may be psychological, with the player feeling less motivated, or not being adept to handle clutch situations.  This totally describes how I’ve been feeling!  I am definitely in a baseball slump…only, minus the actual “baseball” part.

Now granted, the end of last year was a rough one for me.  Day after day at the mall, being screamed at by entitled holiday shoppers, irritated retailers, and hysterical elves…that can really ware on a person’s nerves, even after 18 years of service.  Once it was all over, I enjoyed the quiet – what a difference a day without being called a “moron” can make!  But, unfortunately, the damage was done, and I began 2018 both in my slump, and completely blocked.

Yep, I have writer’s block too.  If I was a horse, this would be the point they’d shoot me.

Usually, when I write, my fingers can barely keep up with the thoughts spilling out of my head.  Lately, I’ve been having trouble getting the words out at all.

Last year, I posted a blog nearly every week, writing over 50,000 words!  So far, in 2018…2,273 words, and that has taken WEEKS.

But who’s counting?

Seriously, have I run out of things to say?  Do I have to wait until I turn 50 for new material?  Good god, is menopause and chin whiskers all that is left for me???

Or…am I just afraid???

It was recently pointed out to me that I tend to play it safe.  I prefer to be on the sidelines, or even invisible, watching life pass by, as opposed to being in the middle of it.

I am living my life, but I’m not really living my life.

At first I disagreed with this observation.  Look at last year – it was a pretty good year!  But then I had to wonder…am I confusing getting my anxiety under control with happiness?

I really was happy last year…

Because I didn’t feel like I was going to die every day.

Because I didn’t feel down and cry every day.

Because I didn’t spend all my time at work.

Because I didn’t lie awake every night, scared for what was to come the following day.

Geez…maybe 2017 wasn’t as good as I thought.

The first sign of my slumpish bad luck in 2018 came in the form of a notice for jury duty…I get one practically every year.  I thought since my service was required mid-week, I’d call the night before to learn I didn’t have to go.

Yeah, not so much.

When I arrived, I figured I’d be dismissed since the week’s trials had been set earlier.

Yeah, not so much.

After sitting in the jury assembly room for hours, we were informed that there was a trial pending.  It was scheduled to last six weeks, and the final day of court would be on my birthday…of all days!

I panicked.

I didn’t want to decide someone’s fate on my birthday – that’s my day!  (I guess your day too, potential murderer.)  Then it really sunk in…six weeks.  Six weeks?  Six weeks!  How the hell could I sit on a trial for that long – I was having trouble sitting in the assembly room, and I had only been there for a few hours!  How would I survive SIX long weeks?  And, more importantly, would this trial be featured on Dateline?  I mean, a six week trial is probably about some seriously effed up shit. What’s OJ been up to lately?  Has he been in Northern California lately?

Upon learning my company only covers five days of jury duty, I filled out a hardship form, writing one sentence:

I am single, support myself, and my employer covers one week of service.

I was excused without question, and I finally got confirmation of something I have thought for years…being single IS a hardship!

I KNEW IT!

Since I’m frequently called for jury duty, I’m a bit of a regular on the court scene.  I’ve been in “the box”, but more so, I’ve been outside the box, looking in, feeling disgusted by the ridiculous excuses coming out of potential jurors’ mouths.

“I’m prejudice of murders and rapists.”

“My dog is pregnant.”

“I think my great aunt’s dad’s brother’s friend’s wife went to school with the uncle of the father of the nephew of the stepbrother of a police officer who might work in the county next to the one where the crime occurred.”

“I’m a science teacher.”

I never got that last excuse, but someone did use it as a reason to get out of the box.  He was too smart to look at crime scene photos…or something like that.  I remember thinking that I wouldn’t want any of these bozos deciding my fate if the tables were turned.  Hell, I wouldn’t want them deciding what I was going to have for lunch.

However, it dawned on me, while I would never make a silly excuse as to why I couldn’t serve on a trial, I have been making excuses for all my forty-something years as to why I can’t live my life to the fullest!

“I can’t fall in love, I might get hurt.”

“I can’t try something new, I might fail.”

“I can’t take a chance, it might not work out.”

“I can’t be a writer, no one cares what I have to say.”

Jesus, I’ve been in that damn jury box my whole freakin’ life!

Now, January hasn’t been entirely bad.  I did spend a few days in Vegas.  Ah Vegas.  Or Sin City, as they call it.  Where the women are scantily clad, the drinks are always flowing, and everywhere you turn, there is a game of chance.

I gambled for the very first time during this trip, meaning I played something other than the slot machines, which I suck at, by the way.  Am I the only person who can lose $20 in 20 seconds?

This time, I played Blackjack – real Blackjack, at a table, with a man in a vest, and chips, and cards, and free drinks, and middle-aged cocktail waitresses and people smoking…right next to me!  It was so cool, but I was also scared to death – I had no idea what to do, or how to play.  Luckily, I had someone there to coach me, and count for me…because apparently, I have trouble adding in high pressure situations.  Combined, my mentor and I won $600!  SIX HUNDRED BUCKEROOS!  It was amazing – what a high!

Of course, we lost it all the next day, but still…I took a chance, and won!  No one got hurt.  And even when I was back to zero…nothing bad happened.  The only thing that did happen was…I had fun.

I guess my epiphany in 2018 is to stop making excuses and take more chances.  I need to have more confidence and let go a bit.  And to think, all it took for me to make this realization was a trip to Vegas and jury duty, an unusual combo at that!

Readers Note:  Don’t worry, I’m not going to become a professional gambler, as that would last about a hot minute, and then I’d lose it all and have to move my chunky-ass and two jumbo-sized cats back in with my parents. 

I didn’t make any resolutions this year, as my normal pledges: 1) lose twenty pounds, 2) eat healthy and stop drinking, 3) exercise daily, 4) limit the purchase of pretty dresses, and 5) get a million-dollar book deal, usually fall short…by the end of January.   It’s probably for the best.  Unrealistic expectations get me (and the San Francisco Giants) nowhere.  While I do want to strive for good health, financial stability and writing success, the unwarranted pressure can be just as debilitating as my anxiety.

Therefore, in 2018, I’m trying something new.  Instead of setting unrealistic goals that will fall short, no sooner than I write them down on paper, I’m creating a motivational soundtrack for myself.  After all, there’s nothing more inspiring than a cool tune with a chorus that sends an encouraging message through my ears every time I hear it.

Here’s a peek at my resolution-worthy playlist:

Tracy’s 2018 New Year’s Mix

  1. Beautiful Day – U2
  2. Breathe – Michelle Branch
  3. Dream On – Areosmith
  4. Holding Out for a Hero – Bonnie Tyler

Readers Note:  I know with feminism, the #metoo movement, and Harvey Weinstein turning out to be a scumbag, (are we surprised?), all men are now considered evil and I’m not supposed to want one anymore.  Well, I’m sorry, but #istilldo.  I’m in the middle of rescuing myself, but a little help doesn’t hurt.  #co-rescue 

  1. I Won’t Back Down – Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
  2. Raise Your Glass – Pink
  3. Rock This Town – Stray Cats
  4. Safe and Sound – Capital Cities
  5. Shut Up and Dance – Walk the Moon
  6. Something Just Like This – The Chainsmokers & Coldplay
  7. There’s Nothing Holding Me Back – Shawn Mendes
  8. Water Under the Bridge – Adelle

Bonus Tracks:

  1. Ain’t No Mountain High Enough – Diana Ross
  2. Happy – Pharrell Williams
  3. Somewhere Over the Rainbow – Israel Kamakawiwo’ole

In addition to my chart-topping album, I also need to work on how I look at things.  They say there are two kinds of people in the world– the kind that look at the glass half empty, and the kind that look at the glass half full.  I think I’ve always been the former, but in an attempt to kick 2018’s ass, I’m going to start taking on the glass half full mentality…and if it’s filled with champagne, all the better!

So, there you have it – excuses prohibited from this point on!  I’m going to put on my super amazing new wireless headphones, (thanks mom and dad), put on my super amazing 2018 soundtrack, pour a glass of super amazing bubbly, and get ready to break the curse of the even year.

And, in the wise words of Aerosmith, I’m going to dream on…dream until my dreams come true. 😊

And she lived hopefully ever after.