Happy Groundhog’s Day, everyone!

I know, I know, I should be saying Happy Holidays.  But for me, this annual season of crap, I mean cheer, is always the same.  And unlike the sweet movie, where Bill Murray finally figures out the perfect day, I just can’t seem to get it right.

In my movie, Punxsutawney Phil would stick his head out of the hole, see what’s going on outside and say, “Oh hell no!  I’m not going out there!”  And then, as he would retreat underground, (until late Summer), Tiny Tim would hobble up to me, hit me in the shin with his cane, and tell me to go fuck myself.

Yes, it’s a wonderful life, indeed.

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of this time of year.  If you’re wondering why, please refer to my previous post, Christmas In July, which will give you a brief rundown of why I have permanent Resting Grinch Face from November to New Years.  It wasn’t always like this, as like many, the holidays used to be my absolute favorite season.  But, that all changed, 18 years ago, when I accepted my current position in mall marketing, and my fate was forever sealed from there.

It’s important to note that my grinchy temperament has nothing to do with my actual job or employer.  I am grateful for both.  However, and I believe most in my industry would agree, working at a mall during the holidays brings out the utter worst in humanity.  And I’m talkin’ the worst!

What’s most frustrating is that I am working my oversized butt off to enhance the holiday season for others, while in the process, ruining it for myself.  Not that this is about me…well actually, this is my blog, so I guess it is.  I just wish I had that feeling you’re supposed have this time of year.  I wish I was in the spirit, but instead, I want to dive into a hole, deep into the darkness, and hide out until late summer.  I wonder if Punxsutawney Phil is single…

When did the holidays become so chaotic and, well, I’m just going to say it, mean-spirited?  I know this time of year is a mall’s “bread and butter”, but these days, shoppers are more possessed with finding the perfect gift, or better yet, the best bargain, and less possessed with the true meaning behind the season.  The birth of Christ takes a back seat to a cheap flat screen and 30% off at Macy’s.

Gray Thursday

Aka, Thanksgiving.  Remember Thanksgiving?  Yeah, me either.  Now it’s just the shopping day before Black Friday…aka, my worst nightmare.

This year I worked my 18th straight Black Friday.  Yep, the turkey was still being digested and I was up at the crack of dawn to fight for a good parking space, dodge door busting shoppers, and sooth irritable retailers.  It’s a game of survival that, ironically, chips away at what remains of my soul with each passing year.  Thank god for Maalox!

I hate to say this but…people continually wreck the holidays for me…not the pressure of shopping or the strain of decorating or even the lousy fruit cakes.  People.  Stressed out, entitled, rude, infuriated people.  I’m generalizing, of course.  But it just takes a few to destroy my entire season, leaving nothing but shit-shaped coal, noose-tangled ribbon, and regurgitated peppermint chunks along the way.

A good example of this is Black Friday.  Years ago we started a mall Welcome Center for guests, to thank them for shopping with us by distributing free goodies, such as muffins, coffee, coupons, tote bags, mugs and more.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Yeah, not so much.

We quickly discovered that it only took about ten minutes in the Welcome Center for the general public to take a massive dump on our holiday season.  People would grab at us, yell at us, and demand things other than what we were giving away.  WTF!  And no one, I repeat, NO ONE, said thank you.

Merry Fucking Christmas to you too!

Nightmare Before Christmas

I think the biggest culprit for my ever-diminishing festive mood is our mall’s annual holiday parade, always held on the Thursday after Thanksgiving, or what I like to call Puce Thursday.

As most of you know, I’m not a fan of parades.  If you are unaware why, please refer to my previous post, Defining Moments, for a brief rundown of how I was brutally attacked during a community parade by an unruly mob, of people, while dressed as the mall’s mascot, a spunky squirrel named Nut Meg.  (May she rest in peace.)  Now I know they say everyone loves a parade, but just so we’re clear, I don’t.  I’m the exception.  I despise parades.  They are everything that is wrong in the world.

Crowds, screaming children, giant-headed floats, shitting animals, freakish elves…case in point, what the hell is that thing below???

I misspoke before…Parades are my worst nightmare.

I know Christmas parades are supposed to be magical and whimsical and all that crap, but to me, they’re just pure pandemonium, intertwined with a lot of lights, bands, and small farm animals.  Coordinating the lineup, the entertainment, and the vendors is stressful enough, add a frenzied crowd to the mix, and I’m strapping my collection of holiday flasks to my chest as if they were sticks of dynamite.

The part that gets to me the most is that the parade attendees have no regard for safety, or common decency for that matter.  I’ve seen moms get into fist fights; fathers toss their kids over the crowd control barricades into the street; grandparents swat small children with their canes.  I’ve even heard the F word used multiple times…although, come to think of it, that may have been my own voice I was hearing.  The point is, it’s a complete shit show that ends with the promoted grand arrival of Santa…who actually landed at the mall two weeks prior.

Sigh.  I’m so tired.

‘Tis The Season

I often wonder if this time of year would be different for me if I was married with kids.  Would I then get to experience that special holiday magic that I so long for?  Or would I just be dealing with more complaining, crying and stress?

Last year at this time, I was in a depression so deep, I wasn’t sure if I would come out of it in one piece.  Or at all.  I did, thank goodness, and what a difference a year makes.  And medication.  Medication makes a difference as well.  Being on medication at the mall’s holiday parade is that of what miracles are made…truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Believe it or not, (and those that know me best probably won’t believe me), but I don’t want to be grumpy and bitter anymore, even though, it’s kind of my thing.  I want to enjoy the season.  I want to feel the spirit.  I don’t want to make gagging noises every time I hear It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year on the radio.  I don’t want to roll my eyes every time my remote lands on the Hallmark Channel and there is a corny Christmas movie on, staring Jennie Garth, Brooke Shields, Tori Spelling, Jennifer Love Hewitt and what’s her name.  I don’t want to feel sad being dateless at the office Christmas party, or like an outcast at kid-filled family gatherings.

I just don’t wanna.  Yet…it’s that time of year and there’s something going around.

How do we turn real life into a sappy Hallmark movie?  How do we make the season about giving and helping others, as opposed to commercialism and outdoing one another?

I think it starts from within.  I’m willing to try, first and foremost, by replacing my negativity with positive thoughts.  Although, to the bitch at the holiday parade who told me to go “F” myself, there’s a dark place in hell for you.

Now that that is out of the way…

I really have no reason to be a scrooge this year, especially since Gray Thursday, Black Friday and Puce Thursday are behind me.  I have so much to be thankful for, starting with the fact that I recently battled crippling depression and anxiety, and came out on the other side.  I also have a loving family, supportive friends, two jumbo-sized cats, a closet full of pretty dresses, and a partridge in a pear tree.

I even started a blog that brings more happiness to me than I could have ever imagined.  And, if that wasn’t enough, there are six people who actually read my blog as well…I have a following! 😊

So, what would it take for me to have that perfect season, and break the spell of my ever-revolving holiday Groundhog’s Day?

A spouse?  A child?  A job in data processing?  A book deal?

I don’t know…although, a book deal would definitely put some jingle back in my step!

The one thing I do know is that if this season is a bust, there’s always next year, and I’m going to continue to count my blessings and keep searching for that special holiday magic.

And, like Bill Murray in the movie, I’m just going to keep trying until I get it right.

And she lived hopefully ever after.