An Extra Foreign Affair |

As I continue to grow more and more tiresome of the ridiculous antics and narcissistic, egotistical, over-the-top, irritating, annoying, aggravating, exasperating, infuriating, grating behavior of the Real Housewives, I now find myself drifting not only to a different reality franchise, but also a different network altogether.

Hello TLC. Where have you been all my life?

Actually, TLC has been on my radar for quite some time, as I love to look at all the gorgeous wedding gowns on one of my favorite shows, Say Yes to The Dress. (A middle-aged, over forty, age appropriate princess can dream, can’t she?) Plus, how can I not take note of the network that brought us such winners as Toddlers and Tiaras, Sister Wives and Little People Big World? TLC also introduced the world to child phenomenon Honey Boo Boo, and her crazy family, a cast of characters that included parents Mama June and Sugar Bear. (How can we ever thank you, TLC?) Too bad Mama June dated a sex offender and got the show kicked off the air. Otherwise, that little gem might still be around.

Readers Note: Mama June went on to get her own reality makeover show on WE TV and Sugar Bear remarried someone who was more than likely his cousin. And all is right with the world…

It’s still completely effed up.

Being a loyal BRAVO viewer, I don’t normally stray too far from my Mother Ship. However, a year or so ago, I stumbled across a little treasure called 90 Day Fiancé…and I have never looked back. (Sorry BRAVO!)

This massive shit show is a train wreck and a half, and I crave every minute of it. It’s a love story, after all…I think. Two strangers from different lands come together, meet each other’s families, (try to) adapt to each other’s cultures, and have 90 days to get married, or else someone gets shipped back to his or her country in the time it takes to send a FedEx package.

The premise of this show explores the K-1 Visa process, which is issued to the fiancé of a United States citizen, which allows them to enter the USA. The visa requires a foreigner to marry his or her petitioner within 90 days of entry, and if they don’t, they are sent packing.

The couples that have emerged from this show are cute…ish. Actually, the majority of them are completely mismatched, which makes me wonder the motives behind the foreigners seeking the green card. Or, the desperation behind the Americans bringing them home to meet their stunned and baffled families.

This show has since spawned a few spinoffs. One is called 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After? This series is an in-depth study into the couples’ lives after the 90 Days. I’ve since renamed this show, 90 Day Fiancé: Road to Divorce, as by this point in the marriages, most of the couples can’t deal with the cultural differences, despise each other’s families, and have pretty much stopped tolerating one another altogether. Of course, one can only hope these relationships end in divorce, as observing some of their interactions often makes me wonder if I’m watching TLC’s 90 Day Fiancé, or Netflix’s acclaimed series, Making a Murderer.

As the latest season of Happily Ever After? was wrapping up with its couples purchasing one-way tickets to Splitsville, viewers were forced to watch yet another spinoff – 90 Day Fiancé: Before the 90 Days. Although I was skeptical at first and not at all interested in getting sucked into yet another ridiculous reality show, I have to admit, it took me less than 90 minutes to fall in love with Before the 90 Days, as this show is a massive shit storm that equates to exploding diarrhea, quickly proving itself to be the ultimate train wreck, being derailed from the very beginning, leaving pain, broken hearts and pure stupidity in its aftermath.

Well played, TLC. Well played.

While a big part of this franchise is deciphering whether or not the foreigners are really in love with their suitors, or just looking for a way to get into the United States, in this particular spinoff, I am far more concerned with the American’s being featured, as they reek of desperation and insecurities that far exceed the average anxiety that comes along with modern day dating.

Personally, I hate dating. It’s nerve-racking and stressful and, quite honestly, instead of going out, I’d rather just curl up on the couch and watch shows about dating, romance and relationships, such as Dateline or 48 Hours.

Before the 90 Days is being promoted as the prelude to its successor show, following the Americans as they travel to meet their prospective companions, with the anticipated outcome of the encounter being a marriage proposal.

All of the couples featured on this show met online. I tried online dating a few times…didn’t care for it. However, one thing that I became pretty good at was spotting the red flags of the person I was talking to, prior to investing too much of my precious (Dateline-watching) time. Now, admittingly, sometimes the red flags are hard to recognize. Yet, what I find oh so entertaining on Before the 90 Days is that the red flags involved in each of these relationships are not only crystal clear, but actual bombs blasting off, prior to these people even step on foreign land. Yet…they all decide to move forward.

Is it love, or, here’s that word again, desperation? I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta go with the latter.

Let’s meet our couples, shall we?

Darcey and Jesse

Darcey is a 42-year-old divorced mother of two pre-teen daughters, hailing from Connecticut. She has basically abandoned her children for six weeks to travel to Amsterdam to meet Jesse, a 24-year-old fitness trainer slash model. Darcy, who says she’s 42 but looks 52, pretty much pops off the plane begging Jesse for an engagement ring, not faltering in the least as Jesse takes her to his apartment filled with numerous photos and molds of naked women…and himself. Although everyone this couple crosses paths with questions the longevity of their relationship, and Darcy soon finds out that Jesse is a controlling and demanding tyrant, (which causes Darcey to spend the majority of her trip either crying or drunk), she decides to stick it out. After all, Darcey is in love with Jesse, and Jesse is in love with Darcy…as long as she stops wearing makeup, stops drinking and basically changes everything about herself.

Red Flag O’Meter: 9 Flags out of 10

Larry and Jenny

Larry, a 37-year-old father of two from Florida, met 24-year-old Jenny on a dating website called Filipino Cupid, and after a few months of dating, he has cashed in his 401K to travel to the Philippines to meet Jenny, with the intention of proposing. Awkward and insecure, Larry admits that he does have doubts about Jenny’s true intentions with their relationship, especially after he finds out that she is still active on the dating website and his friends have told him that Jenny’s Facebook page is covered with photos of her with other men. He also admits that he hasn’t been in a relationship nor had sex in fourteen years, since his youngest son was born, because he has been hurt so badly by both of his baby-mamas. Shortly after this admission, Jenny tells the cameras that she feels the United States would give her a better life. No mention of Larry…

Red Flag O’Meter: 9 Flags out of 10

Patrick and Myriam

Patrick is a 25-year-old DJ and single father from Kentucky. He met and fell in love with Myriam, a 24-year-old Muslim from Paris, on social media. After talking for about a year, Patrick surprises Myriam and tells her he’s coming to Paris to meet her. This couple, by far, appears to be the most stable of all of the couples featured on this show, and seems to have the best chance of making it, even though Patrick is a tad worried that Myriam might be a man. However, when Myriam greets Patrick at the airport, and appears to be 100% woman, the two happily embark on their journey in Paris, where Myriam, shortly thereafter, reveals to Patrick that she has a boyfriend. Hmmm, this might had been good information to mention BEFORE Patrick got on the plane! Seriously, Myriam! A quick text! A short email! Something! Myriam tells Patrick that she still wants to show him around Paris – what a gal. He reluctantly agrees to stay, but you can tell this poor guy’s heart has been completely broken and ripped directly out of his chest. Patrick, look at the bright side, at least she’s not a man.

Red Flag O’Meter: 9 Flags out of 10

Courtney and Antonio

Courtney is a 26-year-old free spirit (aka unemployed) from Florida and Antonio is a 26-year-old model residing in Spain. Although the two have only communicated online, Courtney decides to drop everything, (which is really nothing, because she’s unemployed and lives with her parents), to travel to Spain to meet the man she thinks may be the one, even though she only knows him through his scantily clad modeling pictures, and even herself admits that he might be catfishing her. Yet, she still takes the trip to Spain, (because really, what else does she have to do), and upon arriving at the airport, she immediately becomes nervous as he is not there to pick her up. It is eventually revealed that Antonio is a real person, as he finally meets her, hours later, at a random park, where he promptly whisks her away to a five-hour beauty pageant that he is judging. And it just gets worse from there, as Courtney slowly begins to realize that maybe she should have stayed back in the states, searching the Want Ads instead of the Personals.

Red Flag O’Meter: 10 Flags out of 10

Sean and Abby

Sean is a 47-year-old single father of four grown children, who has fallen head-over-heels in love with Abby, a 20-year-old (child) living in Haiti. While Sean has every intention of proposing to Abby, he does worry that she is still in love with her 64-year-old ex-boyfriend, Chris, who she is still friendly with despite the fact that he gave her scabies. Daddy issues anyone? Abby promises Sean that she is only friends with Chris, and he is the one she loves, (even though she sometimes calls him Chris’ name by mistake). Sean forbids Abby to see Chris, tells her she is no longer allowed to communicate with him, and says she must choose between him and Chris…to which she promptly chooses Chris. But…Sean decides to stick around because he is in love with her. I’m sure this is going to end well. ☹

Red Flag O’Meter: 10 Flags out of 10

Paul and Karine

Paul, 34, hails from Kentucky, while Karine, 21, lives in Brazil, and these two are the stuff reality stars are made of. Neither speak the other’s language and can only communicate through a translation app. (God forbid both of their cell phones die at the same time!) Despite the language barrier, Paul travels down the Amazon to meet Karine, bringing with him five cargo size bins that include everything from mosquito netting and cough drops to penis covers and his mother’s hair. When they finally meet, they realize the relationship might have some challenges as neither has any idea what the other is saying. Paul promptly types in the app that Karine needs to take a pregnancy and STD test before they are intimate because he has been burned in the past, and has trust issues. Karine agrees and passes both tests with flying colors, to Paul’s delight. However, although Paul preaches through most of the early episodes the importance of trust and truth, he is keeping one minor secret from Karine – he’s a convicted felon that has been incarcerated for both arson and domestic abuse. Yikes! Minor detail! After revealing his secret, Paul, who is afraid of his own shadow, runs into the Amazon jungle, leaving Karine and the TLC camera crew behind, where she is mugged and the assailants are seen running into the jungle where gun shots ring out. And the cameras continue to roll.

Red Flag O’Meter: 100 Flags out of 10

There’s still time to see how this natural disaster ends. Before the 90 Days is on TLC on Sunday nights, and you can either catch up OnDemand, or watch the show the fifty times during the week TLC replays it.

And, if this show scares you off dating for a while, (AS IT SHOULD), you can always check your local listings to find romantic episodes of Dateline and 48 Hours…which are pretty much on 24/7.