My Dearest BRAVO,

We had a love that ran deep, but lately, I feel as if our relationship has changed.  It just doesn’t feel quite as real to me anymore.  And that is saying a lot for a network that has that exact word in most of its show titles.

After a rough day at work, I could always count on you to cheer me up.  I’d turn on the TV and my beloved Housewives would suddenly appear, as if they had been waiting for me.  From there we’d laugh together.  Cry together.  Shop together.  Go on trips together.  We’d even get waxed and liposuction together.  Finally, we’d finish the day off with a nice glass of bubbly.

But soon, that bubbly would end up in someone’s face.  And that champagne glass would be flung across the room.  And then hair would be pulled.  And punches would be thrown.  And Insults would be hurled.  Oh, how those insults were hurled!  And I’d be left to ponder…

What the f**k am I watching?

It’s not that I don’t like the drama, and hey, I appreciate a good girl fight as much as the next guy.  But come on, BRAVO!   Sometimes I’m confused as to whether I am watching my precious Housewives or WrestleMania.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why there needs to be conflict included in these shows.  If the series regulars were simply filmed in their average everyday lives, that would become tedious to watch.  I just picked at a hangnail on my toe for the last half-hour…not necessarily the makings of Must See TV.

Yet, lines have been blurred with the Housewives franchise over the years, leaving one to wonder if they are truly watching “reality” unfold, or merely scripted television.  These shows have become so formulaic and predictable, that even the conflicts have become boring.  And when a shouting match between middle-aged women dressed as seventies porn stars makes me yawn…I think it definitely may be time to reevaluate.

The success of the Housewives can only be described as somewhat of a phenomenon.  The original premise was to follow “real” women who reside in the wealthiest enclaves of the United States, with viewers seeing how these ladies “live large” by participating in such activities as plastic surgery, working out, shopping, drinking, dancing, vacationing and going to parties.  The premise stuck, and soon grew from the original cast in Orange County to Atlanta, Beverly Hills, Dallas, Miami, New York, New Jersey, Potomac and Washington DC.  It has even gone international with spinoffs in Athens, Auckland, Melbourne, Vancouver, and beyond.

However, as the show’s popularity has grown, so has the massive egos of its stars, causing attitudes, personalities and relationships to change as quickly as the time it takes to get a regular injection of Botox.

In the beginning, it was fun to see friendships grow and develop.  But, as certain Housewives became more “famous” than others, and jealousy started to rear its ugly, yet awfully glamorous head, alliances between the women dissolved and the term “frenemy” took center stage.

In other words, the Housewives turned into a bunch of mean girls.  And while this may be common, (although equally repulsive), among high school girls, it’s just not a good look for the middle-aged.  And no amount of plastic surgery can change that.

Look, I know reality TV is all about the dysfunctional.  The only thing I’m asking you to do, my dear sweet BRAVO, is bring the FUN back to the DYSFUNCTION!  Everybody takes themselves WAY TOO seriously now, which takes away from the original FUN premise of the show.  It’s no longer about the crazy antics of the semi-rich and sort-of-famous.  It’s about cutting a bitch and verbally, mentally and sometimes physically attacking her until she is completely broken inside.  And really, there is already a show about this…it’s called Dateline.  Check your local listings.

So how do the Housewives get their groove back?  Here are a few suggestions:

Act Your Age…Sort Of.  Part of the fun of watching the Real Housewives is watching these ladies continually search for the Fountain of Youth.  But come on, girls, (pun intended), you’re not fooling anyone!  Fifty and Sixty-year-olds trying to act twenty is not as entertaining as one might think.  It’s just sad.  Aim to act mid-thirties or higher.  Better yet, I hear the best Tales told are usually after Forty.

Beauty Is From Within.  And although I know we all get a little maintenance done here and there, let’s try to be a little more discreet about it, shall we ladies?  If I have to see one more Housewife getting injected, cut, sucked, froze, waxed, bleached, augmented or, worst of all, rejuvenated in any area below the bellybutton and above the thigh, I’m out.

The Bigger The Hoop, The Bigger The Ho.  A showstopper pair of earrings can be dazzling, but when they are falling between those two honeydew melons you call breasts, it may be considered a tad too much.  Accessorizing can make or break an outfit.  Over-accessorizing is an automatic foul.  There is no fun in a Housewife dressing completely age appropriate, but when it’s borderline Barnum and Bailey as opposed to Badgley Mischka, you may want to take a quick step back and reassess the ensemble.  The Fashion Police, aka the FO-PO, are always on the lookout for offenders.

Red Wine Stains. Throw Vodka.  Excessive fighting has become the norm on the Real Housewives, escalating from foulmouthed arguments to punches, dinnerware, alcohol, and even amputated legs being thrown.  Personally, (and thankfully), I have never been in a fight that heated.  And sure, this type of altercation certainly makes for good TV.  But who are we kidding, BRAVO, I don’t think anyone, not even “Iron” Mike Tyson or James “Lights Out” Toney, gets into the amount of disagreements that these ladies do.  And boy, can they hold a grudge.  Speaking of which…

Let It Go.  The term “move on” is as foreign to a Real Housewife as the term “growing old gracefully”.  I think I’ve drilled home the point that conflict is necessary in these shows, but at times I think world peace will be accomplished much sooner than one Housewife forgiving another.  If I had a relationship where wounds ran as deep as they do in the above-mentioned zip codes, I’d probably get out of town, fast, rather than spend every waking moment of my natural life with them.  But that’s just me.

There’s No “I” In Team.  However, there is an “I” in “Bitch”.  Just sayin’.

What Would Jesus Do?  Calling All Housewives: Whatever YOU think Jesus would do in a certain situation…do the exact opposite.  Because whatever you are doing right now, is not working for the Almighty One, or any of the rest of us, for that matter.  Just because you say you “found” God and were baptized in the luxurious swimming pool at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills in a white channel dress, in front of a congregation of cast mates, producers, cameramen and horrified hotel guests, does not mean you get a free pass for bad behavior.  Finding religion is not a trend or a storyline, and I don’t think Jesus particularly cares for those who are disingenuous.  Actually, he probably does.  He’s just that kind of guy.

Jealousy Looks Ugly On You, No Matter How Hard You Try To Dress It Up.  It also makes your butt look big.  Most poor behavior stems from insecurity, and let’s face it, there is no one on this planet more insecure than a Real Housewife.  FACT: Envy and competition are common denominators among women.  However, the Housewives take it to a whole other level in a desperate attempt to remain popular and relevant.  I don’t mean to toss out corny advice like “the most important thing is to love yourself”, but really ladies, you need to start loving yourselves NOW, because the rest of us are having a tough time even tolerating you.

Nobody’s perfect.  Nobody has the perfect life or the perfect relationship or the perfect career.  Trying to pretend you are perfect does not make you appear perfect, it makes you appear as if you are acting, which is exactly what the Real Housewives have turned into…a bunch of actors.  At least, I hope they are acting.  If not, most of them should be locked up, put in rehab, institutionalized or placed in Anger Management…FOREVER.

A Housewife covering up her imperfections is as fake as her breast, butt and cheek implants.  Hiding the truth about who you are is very difficult to do in this day in age, especially with social media, IRS records, or say, cameras following you 24/7.  I’m not asking the Housewives to completely be themselves, but possibly try to be a little more human, a little more relatable, a little more vulnerable, and a little more accepting of one another.  If I want to watch the ladies of the WWE, (World Wrestling Entertainment), I’ll watch Total Divas on E!.  And I really don’t want to watch that.

There you have it, BRAVO.  From one friend to another, my mere plea, once again, is that you put the FUN back in the DYSFUNCTION.  Life is hard enough, and if I want to watch pure hatred in this world, I’ll turn on the Evening News.  But I don’t want to watch that.  I want to watch talentless fame-whores making asses of themselves on a weekly basis, and that’s why I turn YOU on.  Exaggeration and conflict is a necessity to making “reality” watchable, but I’m begging you, throw in some levity and encouragement as well, and give your viewers what they really want – mindless entertainment, extravagant lifestyles, shameless fun, and a reason to keep dreaming of living a life that is hopefully ever.

So BRAVO, Housewives and, I guess the world in general, I’ve just gotta ask…

Can’t we all just get along???

Love Always,

Tracy