Happy summer, everybody!  It’s that magical time of year where the sun is hot, the barbeques are frequent, the cocktails are chilled, and the television lineup…sucks.  (And that’s an understatement.)  If you don’t want to pay extra for the premium channels or Netflix, then you’re stuck watching a barrage of tiresome reruns, obscure sporting events, and overrated reality shows.

Oh, the humanity! 

This used to be my favorite time of year for television, as the reality shows usually run rampant.  But, as these self-proclaimed authentic series continue to grow more predictable and formulaic over time, I have become more finicky with what I watch.  Don’t get me wrong, if you were to stop by Casa de Tracy at any given time, the chances of a reality show playing on the big screen, (my massive, sprawling, 32-incher), is very high.  BUT, as the old Tracy used to be transfixed, the new Tracy now multi-tasks.  That’s right, I can watch TV, read the Yahoo newsfeed, do laundry, and write this blog, all at once!  (See Mom and Dad, I’m still putting that college degree to good use!)

Why do I continue watching, you may ask?  I do it for you.  That’s right – I watch so you don’t have to.  Then again, if you are like me and enjoy the occasional train wreck, I’d at least like to warn you of the dangers ahead.  Therefore, I have taken time out of my crazy, hectic, super glamorous life, (stop laughing), to rank the best of the worst of summer reality TV.

Trust me, you’ll thank me later.   

#10: The 2017 San Francisco Giants

Arguably the worst reality show on TV right now…and even harder to watch in person.  The 2017 San Francisco Giants are currently the second worst team in baseball and, from the looks of things, have clearly given up on the season.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am a Giant’s fan for better or worse.  But, these days, when I switch to the game and see that the Giants are losing…yet again…I find myself switching back to watch something perhaps just as excruciating, yet with more exciting outfits and cringeworthy drama that doesn’t end with me throwing my remote at the television and cursing up a storm.  It was recently noted that the Giant’s stopped playing their trademark anthem at the live games between innings – Don’t Stop Believing.  Message received.  The Giants have stopped believing, so I can too.  Better luck next year, gentleman.  (NBC Sports Bay Area, Check Local Listings…in 2018.)

#9:  The Bachelorette

If you haven’t been watching this season of The Bachelorette, now is the perfect time to start, as it is almost over.  Thank you, Jesus!  Rachel, our very first African American bachelorette, has pretty much sent all the African American bachelors packing and is now down to the final three.  I can’t tell you much about the remaining contestants, as I lost interest weeks ago.  Just goes to show that the combination of a fairly normal bachelorette, a bunch of insecure fame hungry weirdos, and a two-hour per show runtime is the equivalent to watching paint dry.  Plus, I already know how it’s going to end…as does the rest of America.  Rachel will choose the winner, who she has already revealed did propose.  The loser will wind up the next Bachelor, because, god forbid, the show pick someone outside the Bachelor/Bachelorette family.  (It’s like the mob, only harder to escape.)  Rachel and her husband-to-be will do a massive publicity tour, including magazine covers, morning and late night talk shows, and all the entertainment news shows, (i.e., Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, E! News), which, let’s face it, are the exact same show only with varying hosts, each at differing degrees of annoyance.  A few months later, Rachel and her true love will pop up on WE TV’s Marriage Boot Camp, exposing “cracks” in the relationship, which will lead to their inevitable breakup, and both parties will then graduate to franchise spinoff shows.  (ABC, Mondays)

#8:  Bachelor In Paradise

Speaking of spinoffs, Bachelor in Paradise is returning this August!  This show has a very simple premise, it…uh…people come to…there’s an island…and a bartender name Jorge…the beaches have sand…  Okay, honestly, I don’t know what the hell this show is about.  My guess is it’s about good looking drunk people behaving badly.  Oh, and looking for love.  While I usually can’t wait for this show to premiere – (it’s normally a train wreck and a half) – I fear this year’s drama may have already taken place.  In case you have been living under a rock, earlier this summer, production of this shit show was shut down due to an allegation of sexual assault.  Low and behold, it was eventually ruled that no wrongdoing took place, (because ABC needs to fill the timeslot), and production was reinstated…with a few new ground rules.  Where the contestants used to be able to drink freely and do whatever they wanted, 24/7, there is now a two-drink maximum per hour, the cast needs to eat throughout the day, there is a sweep for illegal drugs, and, participants need to get permission from producers before hooking up.  WTF!  Who is going to want to watch semi-sober, nourished, drug- free hot people interact and then plead their case that they are coherent enough to have sex with a partial stranger?  More importantly, how will these lost souls ever be able to find love???  That is what this show is about, right?  Maybe?  Anyone?   (ABC, Coming Soon)

#7:  Real Housewives of New York

This show used to be one of my favorites in the Real Housewives franchise, but this year, I almost did something that is unheard of, (at least for me), I almost turned the TV off, mid-show.  Say what?!?!  I couldn’t take it.  These women, mainly in their fifties and early sixties, were so beyond the point of obnoxiousness, I thought my ears were going to start bleeding.  Once the darlings of the Housewives empire, this cast has morphed into a group of egotistical, selfish, whiney narcissistic crybabies who take themselves waaaaaay too seriously, and feel the whole-wide-world only revolves around them.  Narcissists in a reality show is usually like cream and sugar – it goes together.  However, when it’s no longer entertaining and just plain annoying, it’s time to either recast, or, dare I say it, move to a different city.  After all – and BRAVO should know this by now – batshit crazy can translate to any zip code.  (BRAVO, Wednesdays)

#6:  Million Dollar Listing New York

I’m very conflicted by this show.  The cast is made up of three, relentless, loathsome, aggravating, exasperating douche bags who basically frustrate and annoy their clients to the point of exhaustion, which is a tactic that always seems to result in a mega-sale.  While they frustrate and annoy me as well, I’ve gotta admit, I love looking at the real estate.  It’s my porn.  Therefore, if you’re like me and enjoy seeing things you will never be able to afford and a life you will never be able to live, record this show to watch later, then scan through the commercials, mute the douche bags, and let the fanaticizing begin!  (Infinity pool, home theater and massive walk-in closet…I’m getting all hot and bothered!)  (BRAVO, Thursdays)

#5:  Below Deck Mediterranean

This show is part Real World, part Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, and part Love Boat, only without the crazy antics of Charo.  When Below Deck debuted, I told myself I wouldn’t watch…but somehow, I got sucked in.  Shocking!  Frankly, obnoxious, yet attractive, wealthy yacht guests paired with a good looking, yet dysfunctional crew, a bad ass captain and the breathtaking views of Croatia just seems to work.  Throw in a few love triangles, several temper tantrums, (by all parties involved), many drunken nights, (by all parties involved), mouthwatering meals, and the beauty of the Adriatic Sea, this show is the perfect summer treat, as you can enjoy a smooth sailing vacation, all from the comfort of your own couch.  Although, view with caution, as there are troubled waters ahead.  And, the odds of getting seasick, (from your living room), is shockingly high.  (BRAVO, Tuesdays)

#4:  Dateline

God bless you, Dateline.  You never seem to disappoint.  No matter what television season we are in, there always seems to be an overabundance of hate, jealousy, murder and tragedy in the world, which means, there will always be NEW episodes of Dateline to watch.  Oh sure, the stories will shock you, make you lose faith in humanity, and cause you to sleep with one eye open.  But, with that said, this show is a terrific way to kill an hour or two…no pun intended.  (NBC, Fridays)

 

#3:  Real Housewives of Orange County

The Real Housewives of the OC are in the house…and they are angrier, cattier and blonder than ever!  The OC started it all, being the first Housewives show to debut – a mindboggling eleven years ago!  This show has led to the births of several other Housewives in several other cities, with some being better than others.  (DC and Miami were a complete bust.  Don’t even get me started on Potomac.)  Despite the hits and misses, the OC has always held my interest.  The fighting, plastic surgery, and ridiculous storylines are at a different level than its sister-shows, keeping the show REAL…ly absurd, yet contagious.  Kind of like genital herpes, but without the itching and burning.  (By the way, I’ve never suffered from this, but I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the OC gals have.)  In recent years, all the stars of this show have claimed to become Christians, which apparently makes it okay to be judgmental, sadistic, wine-throwing fame whores.  As disciples of God, or what I like to call, Jesus Barbies, it’s perfectly acceptable to hold grudges, use violence to make a point, swear like a sailor, and wear clothing, (or lack thereof), that would make a hooker blush.  Yes, a guilty pleasure at its finest.  I don’t think these women will ever learn to keep their mouths shout or stop fighting, but if they were smart, they would start drinking their wine, (or Jesus Juice), out of sippy cups to avoid a glass of vino to the face and the chance of messing up their perfectly styled holy hair and makeup.  (BRAVO, Mondays)

#2: Shahs of Sunset

If you’re not so much into the cookiecutter Christian Housewives, then the Shah’s of Sunset might be right up your alley!  Originally dubbed as the Persian Jersey Shore, and executive produced by the whitest white boy in Hollywood, Ryan Seacrest, Shahs follows a group of Persian-American friends living in Los Angeles, trying to juggle their active social lives and careers while also balancing the demands of family and Persian traditions…which apparently involves massive drinking, partying and super-slutty behavior.  Everything is BIGGER on this show – the personalities, the clothes and the BOOBS!  (The boobs are literally everywhere, and honestly, even I can’t look away.)  The drama on this show is gender-neutral and, unlike our famished Housewives, these folks can eat!  Never short on lavish parties, outrageous outfits or jet setting adventures, Shah’s is a fun and often funny ride with the catchiest theme song on BRAVO that will be playing in your head all summer long!  It’s in mine right now!  I’m singing along!  It’s still going…okay, now it’s getting a little annoying…  (BRAVO, Sundays)

#1:  90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After?

90 Day Fiancé – or what I like to call the gift that keeps on giving – is the BEST reality show on TV that you’re probably not watching, but definitely should be.  This little gem follows the long distance relationships between couples who have traveled halfway around the world to find love.  In order to marry, they must obtain a K1 Visa to travel to the United States, and then marry within 90 days, or the visitors will immediately be sent back to their homeland.  Not only do these twosomes have cultural and language barriers to overcome, but they also must convince their often skeptical families that they are truly in love, and prove to themselves that they belong together.  (Spoiler Alert: They don’t.)  This show is the most gruesome, horrific, terrifying train wreck you will ever see, only you won’t be able to look away until the crash site has been completely cleared and, at this point, that will either happen with the couples splitting or killing one another.  (My money is on the latter.)   Although it’s not a comedy, I often find myself laughing out loud, as the duos are so radically mismatched, that you have to wonder how they came together in the first place.  Are there ulterior motives involved here?  Perhaps some gold-digging?  Maybe dreams of finding fame?  Or, simply the possibility that they will have a better life in the U.S.?  Well…duh.  All of the above apply!  But, if you’re a hopeless romantic and want to see love blossom between two people from different worlds…you should rent Beauty and the Beast, now On Demand, DVD and Blu-ray.  If you’re looking to watch a show with all of the characteristics of the Real Housewives, Dateline, Shah’s of Sunset, Below Deck Mediterranean and Bachelor in Paradise combined, (with subtitles), you need not look any further than this show!  90 Day Fiancé is 120 minutes of pure gold.  (TLC, Sundays)

Dishonorable Mentions:

While TLC hit it out of the park with 90 Day Fiancé, the new series Spouse House has hit an all-time low…and that is saying a lot considering this is the network that brought us Honey Boo Boo. Described as an accelerated process to help singles find love, the show’s contestants are trapped in a house and told by professional “love experts”, (what the???), that they either need to propose to a complete stranger, or GET THE HELL OUT of Spouse House!  (Readers note, if I ever get this desperate, just shoot me.)

The Life of Kylie, is yet another Kardashian spinoff, only this one follows the youngest child who is 19-years-old going on 40.  This show is getting ready to debut on E!, otherwise known as the 24-Hour Kardashian Network.  All I can say is this:  Stop the madness!  Please!  Can’t E! find another family to exploit?  Possibly one with a little more personality and a little less Botox?  Seriously, how much more can we take?  Over the years, we’ve seen the Kardashian/Jenner clan get married, have babies, get divorced, start businesses, fight, cry, eat salads…good god, there have been so many salads!  I don’t know how to break this to you, E!, but once one of your main characters has transitioned from a man to a woman, all other show storylines pretty much go down the toilet.  Give us something new, E!  American deserves better!

Okay, I spoke too soon.  E! has given us Famously Single, a show that tries to help “celebrities” find love with assistance from “experts”, who guide the stars to make “romantic” connections.  I get it, E!, this is your way of giving us the finger and saying, “No, America does not deserve better”.   This show is short on action and even shorter on famous people.  In fact, I’ve had this show on twice and both times, I was fast asleep by the first commercial break.  No stars (literally) for Famously Single, but acting as a nighttime sleep aid, this show earns…

So there you have it, dear friends.  The absolute best of the worst this summer.  I know some people may call me a hero for watching these shows, but shucks, I’m no hero.  Others may say I have slight obsession with BRAVO…I really don’t see it.  For me, if one more person is now watching Million Dollar Listing with the sound off, and one less person is suffering through the tiresome capers of the Real Housewives of New York…then my work here is done.

You’re welcome, America.