I don’t scare easily, at least, when it comes to movies and TV shows I don’t.  I think it’s because of all the Dateline I watch.  However, the other night, I stumbled across a television show that was so horrifically terrifying, it has since haunted my dreams.

And that show was The Bachelorette.

Once an avid watcher of The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, I used to tune in religiously, anxiously awaiting each season finale to see who would get the final rose.  Yet, as the contestants became more and more fame hungry and I witnessed one broken engagement of the winning couples after another, my enthusiasm faded and I tuned into more quality programming that displayed real love stories, like Flavor of Love and 90 Day Fiancé.  (Don’t judge me.)

But, as one often experiences in the early months of summer, as regular television series come to an end and alternative programming begins, primetime TV is extremely limited and one is forced to watch whatever the heck is on.  (Yes, forced.  Seriously, stop judging me!)

Season 13 of The Bachelorette debuted on May 22, 2017, just mere days after Ben Higgins, (Bachelor, Season 20), announced his split from show fiancé, Lauren Bushnell, and Chris Soules, (Bachelor, Season 19), was denied by a judge to dismiss felony charges brought against him in a fatal car crash.  These two incidents nearly overshadowed the show’s most recent victim…err, Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay, a 31-year-old attorney from Texas who was third runner up in Nick Viall’s season, (Bachelor, Season 21).  Even though I consider all the runner ups in Nick’s season to be winners, ABC took it a step further with Rachel, not only naming her the next Bachelorette, but also making her the first African American contestant in the franchise’s 15-year history. (Yes, you read that correctly – 15 years!  Welcome to the 21st Century, ABC!)

Unlike most of the Bachelor/Bachelorettes, I like Rachel.  She’s beautiful, intelligent, articulate, polite, and seems to have a good sense of humor.  She appears to be normal, which is probably a huge red flag, as she does have one major flaw…she’s appearing on this show!

Rachel got a preview of potential suitors on last season’s After the Final Rose.  After taking one look at the candidates, I would have been running for the hills.  But, Rachel stayed put, excited to see if her Prince Charming was in the room.

And that is where this Cinderella horror story begins.

After introducing lovely Rachel to the viewers, the show focused on a select few gentlemen vying for her affections.  This included Mohit, a Bollywood dancer from San Francisco; Blake, a personal trainer and nutritionist who boasts of his overactive libido; and Lucas, a guy who coined his very own catchphrase with “Whaboom”.  He explains that the word “Whaboom” grew from the word “boom”.  Fascinating stuff.

And this is the best of the best.  Yikes!

After the disturbing montage of prospects is over, (my eyes!), Rachel is visited by some of her female rivals from the previous season of The Bachelor, who are now, apparently, her best friends.  Suddenly, just like in the movie, a poltergeist takes over my television screen, as the high-pitched screeching and squealing coming from the ladies’ disingenuous mouths causes glass to break around me, dogs to bark in the distance, and my two jumbo cats to make a quick exit from the room.  I immediately press the “mute” button on my remote.  In retrospect, I must ask myself…why didn’t I just turn off the TV altogether?

Why Tracy, why?

A whopping 45 minutes into the show, the limo arrivals finally begin.  Rachel, looking stunning in a gorgeous white shimmering dress, waits eagerly to meet her 31 male disciples, and she does not seem to be disappointed with the level of…uh…creativity these bachelors put forth to make a lasting first impression.  (Perhaps another red flag.)  In fact, as the introductions go on, they become more and more cringeworthy.  Below are a few highlights, which I watched with my hands covering my face.

Top 10 Cringeworthy Introductions

#10:  Will, a sales manager from LA, steps out of the limo doing an Urkel impression.  Yep, you read that right.  Urkel.  What girl wouldn’t be impressed by that, you ask?  (What you can’t see is that I’m raising my hand.  And now I’m covering my eyes again.)

#9:  Brady, a male model hailing from Florida, (glad they added the “male” to his profession; I never would have figured that one out on my own), walks out of the limo holding a sledgehammer and a block of ice.  He places the ice in front of Rachel and then smashes it with the sledgehammer.  “I just had to break the ice,” he says.  Cue my first eye roll of many.

#8:  Dean, a whiter than white startup recruiter from LA, proclaims to Rachel, “I want to go black and never go back!”  Eye roll #2, and I take refuge under the covers.

#7:  Blake E, who was introduced in an earlier segment as a personal trainer from LA, is now classified as an “Aspiring Drummer”, as he greets Rachel as part of a marching band, telling her that he wanted to “drum something up for you.”  Really dude?

#6:  Jonathan from Florida asks Rachel to close her eyes and hold out her hands.  As I’m screaming, “Don’t do it, Rachel”, he starts to tickle her.  We then find out his career is listed as “Tickle Monster.”  Hmmm, does anyone else think that’s just fancy talk for “unemployed”?

#5:  Lee from Nashville exists the limo holding a guitar and turns out to be an aspiring singer/songwriter.  (No shit!  Didn’t see that one coming.)  He then serenades her with an off-key stupid song and I come up with a new reality show competition called The Bachelor Nation’s Got No Talent.  By the way, Lee, the show Nashville is now on CMT.  You’ve got the wrong network, and the wrong show.  And very little talent.

#4:  Alex, an information systems supervisor from Michigan, steps out of the limo with a vacuum.  He then glides passed Rachel and tells her that he’s with the cleanup crew.  Uh…okay.  Alex, why don’t you just vacuum your way right back into that limo…your time here is limited, Buddy.

#3:  The creepiest of all is Adam, a real estate agent from Texas.  He is carrying around a doll he calls “Adam Jr”.  Rachel is terrified of this doll.  I am terrified of this doll.  America is terrified of this doll.  And I move from under the covers to under my bed.

#2:  Matt, a construction sales rep from Connecticut, emerges from the limo dressed in a penguin costume, because he knows Rachel has a “thing” for penguins.  After they meet, Matt tells the camera, with his penguin beak hovering over his eyes, that Rachel makes him feel dignified.  He then turns and waddles away, with his large penguin flippers squeaking with each step.  Very dignified, Matt.

And, the #1 cringeworthy introduction is…Lucas from LA…or Mr. Whaboom!  He steps out of the limo with a megaphone, shouting that he has one testicle that is larger than the other, and then starts yelling Whaaaboooom!  Whaaaboooom!  Realizing that this guy is a complete buuuffoooon, I flee my condo and run for my life!

The competitors have now congregated in the show’s signature mansion.  As they are sizing each other up, most agree that everyone looks relatively normal and well-adjusted.  However, one bachelor, Kenny, dares to ask the obvious question, “Who’s going to be the crazy one?” And, right on cue, Lucas enters the room, shouting “Whaabooom” in his megaphone. And Kenny says, “That’s the crazy one!”  You’re right about that, Kenny.

Ironically, it’s Jonathan, the self-proclaimed Tickle Monster, who says, “Let the circus begin.”  And I am back watching from a safe distance.

To kick off the cocktail party, Rachel tells the guys that her motto is “always to keep it real.  Keep it one-hundred”  She raises her glass and directs them to “have fun, be yourselves, and you can’t go wrong.  No regrets, right?”

I have regrets, Rachel, I say out loud.  I could have been watching Little People, Big World on TLC or Southern Charm on Bravo.

What follows is a medley of dorks fighting over Rachel’s attention, doing anything but keeping it real.  One of the suitors that catches my attention is Bryan, a 37-year-old chiropractor from Florida.  I’m taken aback because I’ve ever seen someone so old on this show.  You’d never see a 37-year-old woman competing on The Bachelor!  Her age would calculate to 259-years-old, as women’s ages on The Bachelor are equivalent to dog years.

People have told me I should go on this show, which I find extremely funny.  Not only am I older than dirt, according to the show’s upstanding standards, but I don’t look like a supermodel in a bikini, which is apparently a prerequisite.  I can, however, drink my weight in champagne.  So, at least I qualify there.

Chris Harrison, the show’s longtime host and holder of the Best Job in the World title, making a ridiculous $60,000 per episode, suddenly appears and places the First Impression Rose on a table.  “Fellas,” he says, before turning and leaving the room.  And that, my friends, is how you make $60K.

Rachel gives the rose to the “old guy” as the other men continue to be baffled by the antics of Whaboom.  Blake H, the trainer/drummer, is especially irritated by Lucas, calling him a clown and saying he’s not on the show for love…unlike him.  “I’m here because this is a great opportunity and Rachel is bad ass.  He’s here just to be on TV.”  Yes, Blake, he’s not as classy as you are.  But let me ask you this, aren’t you the same guy that told America in an earlier segment: “I don’t want to come across as the guy who talks about his penis, but how many women have told me about the amazingness of my penis?  (I’m guessing none.)  Yep.  Keeping it real classy, Blake.

In a later scene, the two men have a standoff on the mansion couch.  “I believe everyone has a little whaboom in them,” Lucas says.  Blake’s deadpan reply: “I have no whaboom in me.”  That’s the understatement of the year.  Blake’s final threat:  “If the girl choses the bad guy, I’m not backing down.”  Since when does running around shouting into a megaphone make you a bad guy?  Annoying, yes.  Bad guy, no.

FINALLY, we get to the first rose ceremony…nearly two whopping hours later.  (Two hours of my life that I will never get back.)  In summary, Urkel, Tickle Monster, Penguin, Nashville, Doll Boy, Drummer with Amazing Penis, and Whaboom all get a rose.  At this point, I also realize that there is a guy named Iggy and a guy named Diggy in the cast…what are the odds?

Chris Harrison then earns a $20K bonus by telling the gentlemen who did not get a rose to say their goodbyes and leave the house.  As somber music begins to play in the background, the unchosen leave, one by one.

My personal favorite, Blake K, a handsome United States Marine veteran from San Francisco, did not get a rose, but recaps the evening perfectly.  “I’m disappointed.  She is more amazing than I ever could have imagined.  But you know, she has a great group of guys in there.  And Kaboom.  I guess Rachel is not the one for me.  But, there’s an amazing girl out there for me and I’m going to find her.”  I’m right here, Blake!  You just can’t see me because I’m still hiding under my bed.

Milton, a hotel recreation supervisor from Florida, and also a reject, is next to leave.  Crying like a baby, (I’m so embarrassed for him), he says to the camera, “My heart is broken.  I’m frustrated.  It was a waste of time.  That is what I’m most upset about.  I bought a bunch of outfits that I wanted to wear and didn’t get to show them off.  I was probably the best dressed dude in there, but I could have worn a T-shirt and a pair of shorts, or a penguin outfit…and (CENSORED) Whoa-bam beat me out.  And that really is the most disappointing part of this whole thing.”

Well said, Milton.  Well said.

Back in the house, the remaining contestants gather around Rachel as she proposes yet another toast. “I know the struggle was real tonight,” she says.  Indeed it was, Rachel.  For all of us.

And with that, the horror is over…at least until next week.